Something took me to the top of a bridge

10 Sep

Life is hard. Having people you care about makes it harder. Tonight something took me to the top of a bridge, literally and metaphorically. I needed space, time to breathe by myself- for myself.

Life takes you on crazy journeys, but one thing to remember is to always be there for yourself- otherwise you can’t be there for others.

I need to remember to love myself half as much as I love you Asher Mae, then I will be ok.

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Love hurts… but sometimes it’s a good hurt

19 Aug

Dear Asher,

Here is your first lesson in life brought to you by your mama and papa during what can only be described as the biggest emotional roller coaster that any couple ever goes on. You. Well, not specifically you, but a first child; the first experience of keeping another human being alive together as a family unit.

Disagreements about the best way to look after you are obviously because we love you, but man is it irritating. I’m a control freak, and your dad is completely stubborn. The current situation seems to be bringing out the best of both in us (sarcasm!).

I know I’m being sorry sook a lot of the time. I know that your dad is going it tough too, but I always feel like I’m the one doing it tougher and sit and stew after a disagreement with 10000000000 reasons for why it is tougher for me. And I’m sure your dad does that too.
I gave birth to you! I have a hormonal connection! I’ve been home with you since you were born and now have headed back into the big bad world of work when you’re 10 weeks old! No one else goes back to work this early for a reason! I can’t vouch for your dad’s version, but I’m sure it isn’t that dissimilar.

Stinky, I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is a rough ride. Sometimes you have days/weeks that are really really tough, and you might feel really alone. At other times you will look at the people that surround you and realise that your life is so full of love that your heart might burst just at the thought of it. And for this reason the tough times can hurt even more.

I will be there for you through all the rough patches. I will always be there to laugh with you, cry with you, be angry with you and try to make you see the brighter side.

All forms of love hurt, and usually they hurt so much because of how wonderful they are.

Love always xxx

God only knows what I’d do without you

15 Aug

Asher in the morning

This morning when I left Asher, she was a little baby wearing a pink bib.

Going back to work has been an affair of mixed emotions. On one hand I have been really looking forward to going back to work. I enjoy my job, and have really really missed my profession over the past 3 months. On the other hand over the past week I have truly felt the emotional connection to Ash that I have been waiting for since she was born, and feel like I need to be home to draw that out even more.

People have been shocked to hear that I was going back to work so soon after having a baby. Is it really that unusual? Surely in this ‘tough to survive financial era’ more and more women are going back to work after less and less time at home. People are concerned about how ok I am with this. The fact is, I always knew that going back to work was inevitable, so maybe I just had to be ok with it.

Asher at bathtime

So how was my first day? As much as it felt a little strange to know that my two favourite people were at home all day without me, I’m not afraid to admit that it also felt nice not to have to think about keeping anyone but myself alive. When I came home and was bathing my daughter, for a fleeting moment she seemed less baby, and more little girl already. How did 9 hours go so quickly, yet so slowly. I want to hold onto this, and slow it down.

Asher, one day you will be a beautiful woman with your own accomplishments, yet in my mind you will still be my little baby in the pink bib. I’m storing it all. Having you to come home to¬† makes every day amazing.

 

PS: When did you become so much like your dad?! xx

Daddy's girl through and through already.

 

 

Then all of a sudden, I heard a note, it started in my chest and ended in my throat, and then I realised I was swimming

7 Aug

Another milestone, another realisation of who you may become.

Asher, although you’ve had many baths in your short little life, today you had your first BIG bath. The lack of hot water at our house drove us to your grandparents place who have the biggest, deepest bath you can imagine. In fact, this bath would have been to you, what a pool is to us big people.

We jumped in together, and you giggled and kicked and flirted with your daddy as he tried to wash your hair. A water baby! I jumped out, and your dad jumped in to have some bathtime with you, and as I watched my two favourite people in the whole world I saw images of the future we have to look forward to.

I imagine you as a little bare-bottomed babe at the waters edge with your spade and bucket, with us constantly watching to make sure you don’t take a mighty run into the big, wet ocean that so fascinates you.

I picture myself sitting by the side of the pool week in, week out as you get better and more confident in swimming lessons, and cheering you on at school swimming carnivals.

I can already feel the terror of watching you jump so fearlessly off the side of the boat in summer, and the pride of watching you row the dinghy back to the shore without any thought to the deep body of water that surrounds you.

My little water baby, what are you going to be? I can’t wait to see.

And in this perfect weather, we’ll find a place together

5 Aug

Dear Asher,

Yesterday we went to the beach for the first time. We sat by the water at Clontarf, in amazing 24 degree winter sunshine, and I showed you a blue sky that can only be found in Australia. I’ve searched the world for it, but have always come home as I can’t imagine living through the four seasons without seeing a blue sky like this.

We giggled together in the pharmacy on the way back from the bay walk in the morning, trying to find you a sun hat in the middle of winter. In that moment, I could see so many more like this in our future. Yet somehow I felt sad that this one had passed and I wouldn’t be able to re-live it again, to see this particular glint in your eye and smile play on your lips. It’s in the memory bank.

I loved seeing you laying on a towel at the beach smiling in the amazing sunshine, and seeing your toes peaking out from under your wrap whilst you napped to the sound of other children playing, the sea and the gulls. But my favourite part of the whole day was seeing your little legs and little feet free of long pants and socks for the first time, being able to feel your soft baby skin and to see your chubby little thighs and long long toes all day long.

I can’t wait to spend summer with you. xx.

The adgistment or adjustment of the fur children

9 Jul

People who know us, know how much our dogs are actually our “fur children”, hence the contsant barrage of questions about what we would do when baby came along, and now how the dogs are coping. We were even asked whether we would be getting rid of the dogs….. really?

It has simply been a matter of adjusting. Our aim with having a baby has always been to continue with our life as it is, simply slotting a baby into the greater scheme of things. People scoffed when we aired this opinion and now I understand why (Babies need naps! Babies aren’t always happy! Babies create a lot of washing! You can’t leave a baby alone!). Lessening the status of our fur children has never been an option, we created a new level in the hierarchy for Asher. We’re lucky that Asher has adapted to life on the outside pretty well, and also lucky that Shackle Dog and The Skipper are gentle beasts and haven’t reacted badly to the new addition.

The Skipper has taken on the role of the protector.

Skipper ajudicates over playtime

Asher cries, skipper runs to her or barks to let me know she’s awake. If given the option he would sleep under her bed, and we have had several instances of “where’s Skip?” after putting Asher to bed and finding him curled up under the bed next to the wall hidden away from the quick glance we normally cast over her bedroom before closing the door.

Shackle Dog is simply enjoying the fact that the heater is on all day, and sometimes she makes sure Ash is still around.

Yes, I enjoy living life with a little insanity.